Beware the Students of English Literature
In this uproarious farce, a group of eccentric characters grapple with existential crises, book borrowing woes, and the unexpected appearance of Shakespeare himself. Chaos ensues.
Full Story
Beware the Students of English Literature
(A Farce in One Act)
Characters:
The Kid Who Thinks They’re the Main Character
The Nietzsche Type
The Two Kids Who Think They’re Quirky
(they are mentally ill)
Notes Borrower
Shakespeare
Ensemble:
Book Hoarder(played by the same actor as Notes Borrower)
[There are two chairs and one table on the right side of the stage. The MAIN CHARACTER is sitting there, reading a book, minding their own business. Up comes THE NIETZSCHE TYPE from the left. He is on his phone.]
THE NIETZSCHE TYPE: That is what Nietzsche said. God is dead and we have
killed him. But that’s Nietzsche. I like Camus more. (Pause) You haven’t read The Myth
of Sisyphus yet?
[THE MAIN CHARACTER looks up, sees him, sighs,]
THE MAIN CHARACTER: And here we go again.
[THE MAIN CHARACTER goes back to reading.]
THE NIETZSCHE TYPE: Camus compares the absurdity of human existence with that of
Sisyphus, a king in Greek mythology.
[BOOK HOARDER comes up on stage from the centre, balancing a lot of books. He almost bumps into the NIETZSCHE TYPE. THE QUIRKY KIDS enter from the right and move forward. ]
THE NIETZSCHE TYPE: [Gets off the phone] Why do you carry so many books?
BOOK HOARDER: [Baffled] You don’t? All these books are important for CSS. I mean this one,
two whole MCQs came from this, and this other one, a CSP said that he’d read this and
this one was recommended by….
[Continues on, starts to mumble.]
[THE NIETZSCHE TYPE signs in disapproval, and goes back to his call.]
QUIRKY KID #1: Look, I am not saying that she is a bad person. She just wasn’t meant to be
a mother, you know. But it’s fine. I mean, everyone has issues with their parents, right?
QUIRKY KID #2: Yeah. Plus, you are a literature major; of course, you have mommy or
daddy issues. And sure, sometimes you think about killing them. But it’s not you! It’s a
Karamazov thing.
NIETZSCHE TYPE: [holds his hand over the phone’s speaker and calls out to THE QUIRKY
KIDS.] Are you guys talking about Dostoevsky?
QUIRKY KIDS: [walking towards THE MAIN CHARACTER] No, we are not!
NIETZSCHE TYPE: [back to his phone conversation] So no matter how absurd something may
be, we have to accept it and find joy in it, otherwise it’s suicide. And we do not want to
kill ourselves now, do we?
QUIRKY KID # 1: [to QUIRKY KID #2] How was your morning?
[THE MAIN CHARACTER puts down their book, and looks around for something.]
QUIRKY KID # 2: Well, I was standing in front of the clock tower, and this bus was coming
towards me. I didn’t move.
MAIN CHARACTER: [to the audience] Oh sh- I forgot my headphones at home. [folds their arms.]
QUIRKY KID #1: That’s like half of our class. It’s a literature major thing. It’s a
lifestyle.
MAIN CHARACTER: [to the audience] It’s an epidemic.
QUIRKY KID #2: God, I wish I were dead.
MAIN CHARACTER: [To the audience] So does everyone here.
[SHAKESPEARE rises, skull in hand]
SHAKESPEARE: Tis I.
MAIN CHARACTER: [ to the audience, confused ] That’s new.
SHAKESPEARE: To be or not to be, that is the question!
QUIRKY KIDS: Amen.
[SHAKESPEARE looks around. NOTES BORROWER comes on stage and walks up to the MAIN CHARACTER. SHAKESPEARE follows their conversation.]
NOTES BORROWER: Duuuude, can I borrow your notes? I have a mid-term tomorrow on 6 short
stories and I haven’t read a single one.
MAIN CHARACTER: 6 short stories?
NOTES BORROWER: Yes.
MAIN CHARACTER: And you haven’t read a single one?
NOTES BORROWER: Nope.
MAIN CHARACTER: [looks to the audience and shrugs] Just- take them.
NOTES BORROWER: Great! Thanks! Bye!
[SHAKESPEARE looks around again. He watches the NIETZSCHE TYPE]
NIETZSCHE TYPE: [on the phone] I am more absurdist than I am an existentialist. But no one here gets it. No one gets me.
SHAKESPEARE: There are more things in heaven and earth, my friend, than are dreamt of in
your philosophy.
NIETZSCHE TYPE: [to SHAKESPEARE ] Excuse me? What would you know?
SHAKESPEARE: [Looks to the audience, confused.]
[SHAKESPEARE pats him on the back and walks over to the QUIRKY KIDS.]
QUIRKY KID # 1: I think I might be depressed.
MAIN CHARACTER: [To audience] Yes, she is.
QUIRKY KID # 2: Aren’t we all a little depressed?
MAIN CHARACTER: [To audience] We’re not. They both are.
QUIRKY KID # 1: Yes? No? I don’t know, I am so confused.
MAIN CHARACTER: [To audience] They’re no…actually that adds up.
SHAKESPEARE: To thine own self be true!
QUIRKY KID #1: But I am the problem! [The MAIN CHARACTER snickers. She shouts.]
Stop thinking that you’re the main character, okay? Nobody likes you. [Pause] I didn’t mean that. I am sorry. I just had a fight with my mom in the morning. And oh, she is so mean sometimes.
MAIN CHARACTER: [Unbothered] Emhmm…
SHAKESPEARE: [to the QUIRKY KID #2] The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
QUIRKY KID # 2: She is a literature student. Nice Hamlet reference, by the way. [nods towards the skull in SHAKESPEARE’s hand.]
SHAKESPEARE: Ah! ‘Tis my creation thou speak of!
NOTES BORROWER: [appears] Are you talking about Hamlet? Have you made any notes? And can I borrow them?
SHAKESPEARE: Hamlet! My very own! Is it within thy grasp? May I perchance gaze upon
them?
NOTES BORROWER: The play? Er, I, uh, pirated it.
SHAKESPEARE: What, you egg? [Stabs him]
[Dramatic music. Commotion.]
QUIRKY KID #2: I pirated it too! Stab me, stab me!
MAIN CHARACTER: Please do.
QUIRKY KID #1: I wish my mother liked me.
MAIN CHARACTER: Wouldn’t really make a difference…
NIETZSCHE: God really is dead.
MAIN CHARACTER: You don’t say.
[SHAKESPEARE gets up]
SHAKESPEARE: What…what dark realm of madness and mayhem doth this be?
MAIN CHARACTER: [Pats him on the back] I’ve been asking that question for years, buddy.
[MAIN CHARACTER walks to the center stage]
MAIN CHARACTER: [to the audience] Ides of March doesn’t compare. Beware the Students of
English.
[end]
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